You have no right to tell the child what to do. The child has the right to know what is good and what is bad. If you teach the child good and bad, the child will never leave you. There’s no better student. You have never accepted a child as a God-given student. You accept the child as your possession. That’s your mistake. – Yogi Bhajan
Why are mothers so controlling? Where does this come from? I know what it feels like when the stress is high, the kids are screaming, you need to make dinner and you just want to run away or have a glass of wine because the pressure is on.
When shit hits the fan, our first reaction is avoid our children or sometimes place them in another room because it is too much to deal with. Let me tell you something – when you do this it is because they are triggering something deep within you, a reaction from your past. Placing children in time out is a way for you to get control, not them, and here is why.
Many parents just accept that the time out is the best way to manage their children’s unwanted emotions and behaviors. It is what the generations before did– so why wouldn’t they? Most families across the country use this type of enforcement and don’t think twice about it, but I am going to suggest that we begin to question the way we discipline our children.
Why do we use time outs? Where did they come from? Who invented them – Hitler? This method has never felt right to me. In desperate moments of not knowing better we need something else to turn to that will teach our children love and compassion.
With a little research I found that the time out was invented around the 1980s in Canada. A group of scientists created it in order to solve the growing problem of juvenile delinquents. The funny thing is it was never made for the delinquents – it was produced for the parents! When the adult brain is overwhelmed or flooded, the capacity for empathy is reduced. The time out was created for the parents to take a moment and the family cool down together. Yet we have let our bull headed ego get in the way and turned it on to the child, when it is actually us who needs the moment alone.
The child is acting developmentally appropriate and when the adult begins to control, he or she is the one regressing. When we put our child in a room alone it is only telling them: when you need me the most you can’t come to me I am emotionally unavailable – sorry. How are we supposed to raise conscious children, who are able to trust the world around them and the adult taking care of them, when we put them alone in a room and tell them that they are inherently bad.
We need to shift to the Family Time Out, which is really the family putting time in for meditation. When moments of overwhelm overcome us, we must stop drop and meditate together. It is time to let our children know that there is nothing wrong with them – only something wrong with what they did, reducing the need to create shame. By breathing deeply in front of them, showing them how my belly fills with air, we can demonstrate presence and teach them patience. What if we replaced every form of time out or detention with meditation – think of how much shame and guilt would be reduced.
Instead of Putting Your Children in Time Out Try This Next Time:
Meet the child where she is energetically and project that energy back. Meaning let the child know that you feel their anger or sadness. Please note that before you do this it takes a young child’s brain at least 90 seconds to get out of the flight or fight response. They literally cannot understand you or respond in the first couple minutes of a tantrum. So give your children a moment and then let them know that they are heard as their brain adjusts.
Get down on their level physically and kneel or sit so the child can see your eyes. After eye contact, give your child a touch and a nod so that she knows that you are with her, that you see her, and feel her. Let her know that she is another human being having a normal experience that will pass. Speak to her only in a language that has her back, so that she knows you are on her side always and forever.
Mediation to Prevent Freaking Out
This meditation will alter your energy by changing your nostril breathing. You can’t get out of your body, but you can change its energy. If you are thinking something neurotic and find out that you’re breathing through your right nostril, start breathing through your left nostril instead. This will change your energy from agni (fire) to sitali (cool).If you are depressed, in a disturbed mental state, start breathing from the right nostril. In 3 minutes you will be a different person. This ability to change nostrils in breathing should be taught to your children within their first 3 years. Exercising this ability can prevent nervous breakdowns. You may work up to 31 minutes. – Kundalini Research Institute
- Sit in Easy Pose with a straight spine, and a light Neck Lock.
- Interlace the fingers with the right thumb on top.
- Interlace the hands at the center of the diaphragm line, touching the body.
- Eyes are closed.
- Concentrate on the breath at the tip of your nose.
- Notice from which nostril you are breathing. Within 3 minutes you should know.
- Then change it. If you are breathing primarily through your left nostril, consciously change to your right nostril.
- Be sure to keep your shoulders completely relaxed.
- Practice changing this breath back and forth for as long as you like.